Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
