I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize