If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
