At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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