Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
