Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
