Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
