I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
