Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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