My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
