Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
