youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
