she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
