sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
