I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize