I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
