I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
