The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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