I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
