Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
