Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
