it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
