Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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