remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
