Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
