Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize