my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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