we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
