he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
