I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
