But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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