you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
