I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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