About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
