i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
