Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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