She went from zero to smokin in five shots
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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