new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Randomize
