non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
