Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
