I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
