Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
