Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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