The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
