Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize