when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
