Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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