That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
