i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
