If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
