it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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