so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
