Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
