Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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