im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Randomize
