I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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