I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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