So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
