I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
