"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
