It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize